Becoming Un-Married in Divorce
I never imagined getting divorced, so I never did any research on it. I mean, my parents are divorced, but I wasn’t taking notes for my future self because that wasn’t going to be my story.
I remember my first real date with my ex — the conversation we had when we knew that going from friends to partners would be serious. “I don’t believe in divorce for myself. I want to learn to fight, and argue in a healthy way so that it doesn’t happen.” As if fighting is the only thing that leads to divorce. I trusted my partner with my future. No part of my healthy self thought that anything other than death would separate us, so why read up on the process of divorcing? Well here we are. It’s my first rodeo and I’m learning on the go — which is my least favorite way to learn. There’s a lot of things about divorce I never knew — like legally how to get one. And let’s be honest. I probably didn’t even do that the best way either. Divorce is so personal and every situation is different, but I wonder if my experience is relatable at all.
When I got married everything was about the long term. I pushed all of the little frustrating things to the back of my mind. The little things don’t matter when you’re setting up systems to last a lifetime. Right? Like the laundry that make it *to* the hamper but not *in* the hamper. I’m certain he never got frustrated when I left dishes in the sink rather than the dishwasher. Because those things totally don’t add up. And no one ever keeps score. (For real, you shouldn’t do that, it’s bad.) But what happens when you aren’t great at advocating for yourself because you’re afraid your partner will leave you and then he does anyway? You become divorced but have to work to become un-married.
It’s been a year and a half since we separated and 5 months since we’ve been legally divorced. I knew we were in a rough spot during our marriage, but I didn’t know he was done — like finished. Before we fully separated we spent several months where I tried to save the marriage even though he was very clear and told me directly that there was nothing I could do to save it. A marriage can’t be saved by one person — even if they are willing to be a marriage martyr. I’m a stubborn fixer and I thought I could prove myself worthy. Wild, right? It was then that I came to learn that though it takes two people to get married, it only takes one to get divorced.
No part of how I viewed myself and my hopes for my relationship,now long gone, would pass the friendship test. You know, when a therapist asks, “What advice would you give a friend in this situation?” I wasn’t being careful with myself, or honoring myself. And usually when I spoke with friends they reminded me of this. I was divorced, but I couldn’t figure out how to become un-married. It’s taken me almost a year to even realize that that is I was needed to do.
This last weekend I attended a friend’s ordination service and the altarpiece was this beautiful painting of the three women going to the tomb where they expected to find the body of Jesus, and rather they found an angel waiting. When I looked upon the painting I imagined the words from Luke 24:5, “Why do you look for the living among the dead?” This same service was being attended by my ex-husband, and it was the first time I had seen him since the separation. Why do I keep looking for something dead amongst the living? I realized that death did do us part. It just wasn’t a physical death. It was the death of a mutual love. I think it was in that moment of realization that I became un-married.
I don’t like the label of “divorced” because of how my marriage ended. “Divorced” felt like something I didn’t have agency in. It felt like an unwanted label that took all of my power away. And then I saw the term “unmarried” somewhere. I think it was more so reserved for someone who’s never been married, but it resonated with me. It felt like becoming un-married was a journey that I was on. Rewiring my brain to release the connections to my former spouse. To come to terms that death did do us part — just it was the death of relationship and not of a person. It’s taken me over a year to honestly settle into the concept of being divorced. To emotionally disconnect from marriage and rewire into a space of being unmarried. I’m sure that as I dip back into dating I’ll find little areas still in need of work, but I’m proud of myself for all of the little steps I’ve taken towards taking care of myself.
The death in divorce was a grief I also wasn’t ready for. I wasn’t ready for the person who I promised to love for the rest of my life to be dead to me. I know this often can’t be the case for people who share kids with their ex, but for me, I truly have had to cut off almost all contact in order to move forward. Luckily I’m a big “from death comes new life” girly. I love a good compost comparison, and the promise of resurrection. We’re in the season of Eastertide and even Jesus lived a life different than the one he had before death. Divorced or not, we all know that life post pandemic can’t go back to how it was before. I remember an ice breaker question, “Fill in the blank: After _____ everything changed.” I used to hate the question. I never had anything that changed in a moment, all of life’s moved seemed to be slowly over time. Now I have several life altering moments. In each one things could never go back to how it was before.
With each death we have the option to let grief overtake us and spend all our time trying to replicate nostalgia of what was, or we can choose to take the shit to compost. Pray to a faithful God who is in the business of curating new life. Trust in the process that we have another way forward that is just as good and just as fulfilling.
If you’re going through the process of divorce, I hope that this helps you to feel less alone. That it’s ok if it takes you longer than your former partner to move through the process. There is no timeline and that’s frustrating. I still have days when I get really mad that this is my journey and I have to do the whole dating thing again. To be totally honest, most days I don’t think I believe in marriage anymore. That love isn’t worth it. That I don’t know how I’ll ever trust someone again. Those aren’t my greatest days, I don’t think. I hope for a day when I find hope again. But for now, I love myself and I honor the journey thus far. I hope you will too.
